Healing from
infidelity involves team work; both spouses must be fully committed to hard
work of getting their marriage back on track. The unfaithful partner must be
willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage the overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people , marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.
willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage the overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people , marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.
If you recently
discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a
whole range of emotions-shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and
intense sadness. You may have difficulty eating or sleeping, or feel completely
obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot.
You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While
unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal. Although you might be telling
yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately.
Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are
looking up, some things remind you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly.
It's easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and
downs are the norms. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.
Although some people are more curious than others, it’s very common to have
lots questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little
interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened,
ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing you spouse
is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful
spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the
details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster.
Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes
genuine healing likely.
Once there is
closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it
happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of
things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray
can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.
No one
"forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if
it doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why
you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were
you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did
you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual
addiction?
It's equally
important to explore what your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no
marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy; they look to others for
a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for
granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is lack of intimacy or
sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your
decision to have an affair, you need to address your feeling openly and
honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a
problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a
communication skill-building class.
Another necessary
ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful
spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often
enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never engage in such an
unfaithful act again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your
relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious,
they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your
marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages
of recovery when mistrust is rampant.
Conversely,
talking about the affairs can't be the only thing you do. Couples who
successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking
about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful
topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and the nurture
their friendship. They take long walks, go out to eat or site-seeing, develop
their new interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in
spending discussion -free time after the initial shock of the affair has
dissipated.
Ultimately, the
key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the
last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything
right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy,
and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or
her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens
the door to real intimacy and connection.
But forgiveness don't just happen. It
i a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace. If the past has had you in
it's clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life?
Decide to forgive today. Life certainly has its challenges, but little compare
to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. For many years I've heard
countless number of people confess that the discovery of an affair was the
lowest, darkest moment in their entire lives. And because affairs shatter
trust, many seriously contemplated ending their marriages. However, it's
important to know that, no matter how bleak things may seem, it's possible to
revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy -there are no
quick-fixes, one-size-fits-all solutions-but years of experience has taught me
that there are definite patterns to what people in lovely relationships do to
bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Let the healing
begin.............
An Article from
Heart2Heart Magazine
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